It’s been awhile, blog.

I’ve been back in the American del norte for almost three weeks. Things have yet to settle down as I jumped directly into Bible Lectures and then into an intense session of summer school. I’m so thankful to be surrounded by a very small, yet substantial Pepperdine Community right now. I know if I would have gone straight home I probably would have had a way more extreme version of what we like to call “post-abroad depression.”

I don’t plan on filling this blog with nostalgic memories of BA; although, I will continue to reflect on ways that it has changed and shaped me. My life will probably never be as exciting as it has been this past year, but I’ll try and throw some stuff down on the blog every once in awhile. So stay tuned. 

One of the biggest things I’ve taken out of this year is to always “be where I’m at.” I don’t deal well with transitions, and right now is a pretty big transition period. Tom from SOS sets me straight though… “Be where your feet are,” he always says. 

Anyway, here are some of the last few tidbits of Buenos Aires …

Adulam was definitely one of the hardest goodbye’s I ever had and will have to do. These kids changed my life in more ways than I can describe. Their love is unconditional, and I pray that one day I see them again. 

In Adulam and around the Casa, I was known as “Hippie.” Rafa gives almost every student a nickname throughout the year, and that is what we are known by. I was the first one to receive my nickname at Asado on our very first day in BA, and it stuck :)

The last week we went to River vs Godoy Cruz. It was pretty chill in comparison to Boca vs River, but it was still a blast. 

Rafa was our program director. He’s the coolest. What else is there to say? 

Our final banquet band sang “Home” by Edward Sharpe. It was a blast!

At the banquet, we all received our Paper (actually plastic) Plate Awards. I was voted “most overall cool” and “best no-shave November.”

This was one of the most unforgettable nights of my life. Our banquet was incredible, and we were surrounded by our best friends and homestay families. Then we all went to Rumi and danced the night away.

oh, and we all love abuelo :)

I don’t know how to end this… 

So here’s my toast, or post, to Buenos Aires, the best year of my life spent with the most incredible friends. I couldn’t have made this year any better if I tried. The ups, the downs, the outs, it was all a crazy, unpredictable roller coaster. It tested me, pressed me, and shook me to the core. I’ve come out a little bit stronger, a little bit wiser, and a lot more independent… and I’ve still got a lot of growing to do yet. I thank God every single day that I had this opportunity. I pray that our bonds stay strong no matter where this life may lead us. I love and miss you all BA family. Thanks for everything!

It’s been awhile since I’ve updated. Exactly one more week and I’ll be flying back to the ol’ USA. Such a strange feeling. ”Home” has become really hard to define. I’ve got a home in Oklahoma. I’ve got a home at Pepperdine. Now home is Buenos Aires, and my family is our group. What a life.

I don’t really know what to write about anymore, there’s so much life to live, and so little time to do it. but I’ll give a quick update.

As you might have seen on facebook, there has been a lice epidemic in our group. The kids at Adulam so graciously decided to share the little bugs with us. While it is slightly disgusting, it’s been a ton of fun. Luckily, I think we’re finally all in the clear.

I went to Iguazu Falls.. pics seriously do no justice..

Rainbows and butterflies were everywhere! So beautiful.

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Things are slowly starting to come to an end. I always have a reeeallly big problem with goodbyes… and change in general. Here are some that have happened already..

Hospital de Ninos ended last week. Hospital was a huge blessing throughout this year. Even though we just handed out small salami and cheese sandwiches, I slowly started to see the impact that we had on families - especially those we saw regularly week to week. I also became really close with our bus driver David and Fernando, whom I will thoroughly miss. 

We also just had our last Convo dinner yesterday at Kansas. I still remember our first week at Kansas, when I was still slightly nervous and uncomfortable. Here’s a pic from the first convo dinner in BA :) 

What a change last night was… our table stood up and screamed “this ish is bananas, b-a-n-a-n-a-s…” when our delicious “goin’ bananas” desserts came out. To say that our group is “comfortable” would be an understatement. We’re a family. 

We are going to Adulam tomorrow for the last time. That will be one of the hardest goodbyes, I’m sure. 

Lots more is going on, but we’ll save it for a later date. 

For now, I soak up the best last 7 days of my life.

I remember vividly the day we patiently (and awkwardly) sat at LAX before departing to Buenos Aires. It really does seem like just yesterday… 7 months have flown by like the blink of an eye (I just pulled a double cliche, cheesy but true). If only to briefly recall how unsure and out of place I felt that day. 

I wasn’t ready. 

I wasn’t ready to leave the most amazing year of my life, my first year at Pepperdine. I wasn’t ready to leave friends and family. I wasn’t ready to leave an amazing community. I wasn’t ready to start all over again. 

I came into BA with all of the wrong expectations and unattainable ideas that were instantly torn apart. I struggled. The scope of emotion felt throughout this year has been off the charts, on both ends of the spectrum. Ultimate happiness and sadness. Contentment and dissatisfaction. Overwhelming love and heartbreaking loneliness. Spiritually overflowing and completely dry. 

My faith was challenged. The security I felt freshmen year was ripped apart by arguing viewpoints, and I realized that being a Christian isn’t as easy as we’d like to believe.

I heavily contemplated returning to Malibu second semester. I thought that I had deviated from God’s will. I thought that I wasn’t supposed to be here.

Now I thank God every single day that I decided to stay.

This year has been the most incredible, the most life changing, and the biggest roller coaster ever. Simply, the best year of my life… so far (Though it’s hard to admit, I know there is life to look forward to, yet).

The end is in sight, and the only way I can describe it is “bittersweet.” I am excited to see old friends and family. I am excited to return to the “American” way of life. I am excited to get plugged back into Pepperdine. I am excited for church, burritos, peanut butter, and not having to worry about a language barrier. 

I am excited, but once again, I am not ready. 

I have just become settled and comfortable in the Argentine way of life, and soon I will start the re-acclimation process once again. Buenos Aires has done its work on me. Every comfort zone has been broken. Every boundary has been crossed. I know myself a little bit better, and my eyes have been opened a little bit more. And what a blessing that all of this happened with 65 of the most amazing people I have ever known. 

However, Argentina is not quite finished with us yet, and I won’t take these next 24 days for granted. I came as a gringo, as a tourist, as a rubia, as an ignorant.

Pero ahora, soy argentina.

“For God’s gifts and his call are irrevocable.”

Irrevocable: not to be revoked; unable to be repealed; unalterable

Personal definition: terrifying

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In my last post, I mentioned that this was coming.

I’m torn between what it means to have a childlike faith, and what it means to seek wisdom and understanding. The more I seek wisdom, the more questions arise. The more I seek answers, the more I receive questions…. a seemingly endless cycle. I would not call these questions “doubting;” however, I am seeking to refine my own faith and “be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks me to give the reason for the hope that I have,” (1 Peter 3:15).

I don’t have a particular point to make in this blog, here’s just some things that have been on my mind. Read if you wish. 

In Romans 8:28 Paul tells us that “All things work together for good to those who love God, who have been called according to his purpose.” Paul was repeatedly exposed to physical suffering through near-death experiences, beatings, imprisonments, and persecutions. Yet somehow all of these things work together for good? 

Christians tend to believe that as long as we are doing things “right” and are doing our part, things will work out for our own good. However, this “good” is not necessarily our own personal comfort, health, or happiness. Oftentimes, we base our self-righteousness on our ability to do good and “keep the rules” per say. Thus creating within the Christian community, “good Christian” and “bad Christian.” The Bible tells us that this is impossible. The rules only show humans to be bad; they never prove us to be good. Psalm tells us, “There is none who does good, not even one.” Britt Merrick says that “Satan would have us prove ourselves holy by the law, but God would have us prove ourselves sinners.” (Which I know is where grace comes in, but that’s a tangent.)

Paul does not tell us that all things work together for our own personal good. Paul didn’t undergo ceaseless suffering only to reach self-fulfillment; but for a bigger purpose - To spread God’s glory and proclaim the name of Christ. Essentially, to make disciples. “Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the prisoners were listening to them… and everyone’s chains were loosed.”

Moreover, if God works ALL things together for His good, does that include our sin? Biblically, God utilizes his Will through the workings of man’s sin. This does not mean that God wants us to sin, but somehow He works our shortcomings into His plan. Abraham lies repeatedly while traveling with Sarah; however, this was necessary in order to further God’s glory. God also brought Pharoah to power, who enslaved Israel for years, just so His glory would later be revealed in destroying them. God also ordained the death of Christ, which was carried out by the sin, ignorance, and unbelief of man. 

A tougher question that stems from this is, would God allow some to fall in order for his glory to be shown, in order to rescue a majority? In scripture, God hardens hearts 15 times, 9 of which are in reference to Pharaoh when Moses was preparing the Exodus.

Pre-destination is something that a few of us have been discussing for awhile. Notice that in verse 28 above it states “those who have been called.” In verse 29, it states that “those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son.”

Daniel states that, “the most High God is soveriegn over all kingdoms on earth and sets them over anyone he wishes.” 

Scripture also states that, “He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world.” Eph 1:4

This could mean one of two things. 1. God has already chosen for us. or 2. God simply already knows what we will choose. 

The more I think about this concept, the more frustrated I become. The reality of the situation is, God’s plan and omniscience are far beyond our finite comprehension. Many would claim that God has “looked into the future,” seen what each human will do, and thus predestined us to salvation (or not). Yet that is not what scripture says. This concept would leave no room for grace, and no motives for pursuing God’s calling to make disciples. I think this is simply something that we have to acknowledge that we can’t explain. No where in scripture does it say that God foreknew or predestined anyone to Hell. 

God promises, “Whoever will call upon the name of the Lord will be saved.” Romans 10:13

“For God has bound everyone over to disobedience so that he may have mercy on them all.”

Nothing takes God by surprise; His decisions are not determined by our decisions. 

So despite whether we are “chosen,” we all make the choice according to our own volition. We repent. We conform to the image of the Son. We are justified. Then we are glorified. Then His gifts and calls are irrevocable. We are either conformed to Christ, or we are not. 

For God so loved the world… not a select few, and the harvest is plentiful. 

I could keep going, but my brain hurts. In the words of Sassot, “That’s enough for today.”

“For I consider that our present sufferings cannot even be compared to the glory that will be revealed to us.”

Exactly one more month until I return to the good ol’ USA. I can’t wrap my mind around how incredible this year has been. A year full of changes, full of ups, full of downs, but always just so full.  

Matt, Pat, Brudos and I just finished an awesome trip to Brazil. We chilled in Rio, swam in Copacabana/ Ipanema, and had the most epic island trip to Ihla Grande. We ate TONS of acai bowls, and lots of watermelon. There were several hilarious “Oh Brudos” moments, especially when he constantly pretended to be the “Goggle Monster.” We met some very interesting people, including Alex from Long Beach who came to Rio for a week long trip two years ago and never left. We camped in a muddy swamp to save a few extra bucks. We just had fun. 

These pictures do no justice to the most beautiful sights I have ever seen.

Rio de Janeiro - easily the most beautiful city in the world

Christ the Redeemer statue 

Lapa stairs

On a night boat to Ihla Grande, we sat on the deck and watched the prettiest stars while riding over the calm, clear blue sea. I could easily live on a boat for the rest of my life. 

On the island we snorkeled with sea turtles, sting rays, and colorful fish in crystal clear water. 

Lopez Mendez was the most beautiful beach I’ve ever seen. White sand and clear blue water. A baby shark swam with us for about half an hour and kept bumping into our legs. We body surfed… well, Brudos tried to body surf. 

Traveling has been one of the most life changing parts of this year. I’ve traveled with big groups, I’ve traveled with small groups, and I’ve traveled alone. I’ve seen enough of God’s beautiful creation to last a lifetime. Growing up, I always thought that traveling would be one of the most fulfilling accomplishments I could do in a lifetime. However, while traveling has taught me so much about myself, I have realized that traveling alone is not fulfilling. Tim Cahill said it well, “A journey is best measured in friends, rather than miles.” The most important thing I will take back from this year will not be crazy, adventure stories (although I have plenty), it will be the family of 60+ people with whom I have had the privilege to spend a year with in South America.  

The more I see the less I know.

This past week, all of the BA’ers traveled to El Chalten and El Calfate for our EFT. We hiked to Fitz Roy, swam in a freezing lake (pictured above), and hiked on a glacier (below). We ate humongous meals together, we praised God together,  and we were knit a little bit tighter as we realized how little time we have left. 

Being the over zealous person that I am, I realized how close we would be to Ushuaia (the southernmost city in the world.) Flights from BA to Ushuaia are EXTREMELY expensive, so I had already concluded that I wouldn’t be able to go. However, since I was already in Patagonia, I figured it would be much cheaper if I could go to Ushuaia from there. So after pulling some strings with our guides and having a heart to heart with Rafa, things began to piece together. The day came for the group to head back to Buenos Aires, and there were no open seats on any planes to Ushuaia until days later. However, Rafa said he had a good feeling. So I was put on a waitlist for the next 3 flights, and if that didn’t work I would’ve taken a 20 hour bus. However, as soon as we got to the airport, 5 spots had opened. Therefore, myself, Melissa, Alexx, Brandon, and Jamie jumped on them, and later Jeannie miraculously joined us. So by the grace of God, we all headed south for a few extra days while our friends went back to BA. 

Jamie and I sailed in the Beagle Channel — sailing in in the Atlantic and Pacific AT THE SAME TIME, knowing that Antarctica is just a short ride away, is the strangest experience. (You have to drop a couple grand to actually go to Antarctica, I considered trying to become a dishwasher on a boat, but I realized that classes are actually a priority… well, sometimes).

We had an interesting camping experience in Tierra del Fuego National Park. I ambitiously wanted to go on the hardest hike the park had to offer so Jeannie, Brandon, and I set off the next morning. However, upon getting to the top in blizzard conditions while wearing no pants and wet socks and shoes, I quickly realized how unwise I had been. I turned back before the two of them for fear of the cold, but it was all a blast nonetheless. 

I’m constantly humbled by traveling. Especially in seeing the natural beauty found on our planet. The diverse landscapes in Patagonia alone should be enough to assure someone that creation did not happen by mere accident. What a wild imagination God must have. (Huge glacier chunk falling off below)

Just when I think I have something figured out, God reveals something new. I thought that traveling south america and seeing the world would give me some answers to the questions that constantly linger in my mind - questions of spirituality, self, and life in general (among other things). However, it has done nothing but give me more questions. 

Strangely, I’m becoming thankful for the questions. I’m starting to realize that I will never have all the answers. God knows everything. I don’t have to. God doesn’t desire us to strive for perfection, but redemption. 

Anyway, only 6 more weeks left in this incredible place with the most amazing people. I couldn’t be more thankful for this entire experience, and I plan on making the most of the time we have left. 

In the wise words of Sarah Lipps, “Life is short. Spank me”

This week I went to Mar del Plata, one of the closest (and by close I mean 5 hours) beaches to BA. We had a 5 day weekend, and as usual I waited until the last minute to make any decisions. I ended up going against my better judgment and staying close to home. Money was definitely a factor, since I’m going to Brazil in 3 weeks and need to save as much as possible. I also FINALLY heard news that I get to switch homestays! For the most part, my home stay experience has been good, but recently my family has been getting more and more unhappy and they tend to fight on a daily basis. Also, my internship is in the opposite direction of my house, so it has been difficult traveling back and forth everyday. Thankfully my new house is closer to the casa and my internship.

Anyway, I decided to beach it for a few days, and then come back and pack for the big move. 

Melissa, Veronica, and I took off to Mar del Plata and were welcomed not by sunny, pristine beaches, but by a whole lotta rain. I suppose I let it damper my mood a little bit, but that was quickly healed by some surfing. 

Truth. I LOVE surfing. Seriously. It’s the most liberating, awesome feeling, and I’m not even good at it. 

I gave some surfing lessons to Melissa and Veronica, who were both naturals. They caught on quick, and we had a ton of fun. 

The next day we all surfed some more. We got caught in FOUR riptides, which was a pretty epic experience. It’s also a lot scarier when you’re not on a board. At one point, a lifeguard who looked like Fabio came to rescue us with the donut. We all started laughing because, although we were struggling and the tide had pulled us way out, we didn’t think we needed to be rescued. I think we offended him. 

I played lots of guitar, wrote some songs, and we all practiced our freestyle. I also stepped in some dog poop… barefoot. Then we made a new friend Julian who you can see here…

While trying to get back to the hostel, there were no taxi’s. So I jokingly stuck my thumb out, and I watched elderly couples and cautious parents shake their heads at me as they drove by. But then one cool surfer dude, probably in his early 40’s, picked us up. There was barely enough room for us in his tiny car because his board took up most of the back seat. We crammed in, and he told us that he’s surfed all over Southern California, including Surfrider. He dropped us off a few blocks away, and we were incredibly thankful. This was Melissa and Veronica’s first hitchhiking experience, which was pretty cool. Hopefully the first of many ;) 

I left early last night with intentions of spending today and tomorrow at Adulam. However, plans change and now I’m sitting alone in Casa Holden. Thankfully, it’s been a productive day as I fill out applications and actually start making plans for my future. 

Kacie making plans. Surprising I know. Everyone knows that I’m not the best at making decisions or committing, but I’m working on it. 

I like to look at decisions like surfing. I just try to ride the waves as they come, and let everything fall into place.

There is a time and a place for making decisions and planning ahead, and I am trying to come to terms with that. Many times it is difficult for me to decide things because I am searching for “the right choice” or “God’s EXACT will” for my life. 

But life doesn’t always work that way. It’s selfish of me to expect God to blatantly tell me what He wants me to do every single day. Essentially, God’s will for our lives is to glorify Him, and to go and make disciples. ‘Nuf said.  

Also, there is an IMMENSE difference between making decisions and worrying about the future. I’m a firm believer in happy endings, and I know that everything works out for the good of those who love Him. There are bumps, twists, and turns along the way, but in the end all is well. 

That said, I am striving to find the balance between living intentionally and riding the wave, while preparing for the future at the same time. 

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”

Growing up has always been my biggest fear. More so than “getting old,” it’s a fear of missing what’s right in front of me. I took my childhood for granted, and I wish I would have just enjoyed the simplicity of it all. Making blueberry muffins with mom, riding 4 wheelers to fast, running down endless dirt roads, riding in the back of the truck, and smelling like cow manure. If only to embrace just a speck of that childhood innocence and ignorance.

Regrettably, I often loathed the farm growing up. Living in the middle of nowhere, 30 miles from actual civilization, disgusted me. All I could focus on was what I was missing - the big city, the beach, people living exciting lives, and so on. I couldn’t wait to grow up and get as far away as possible. 

Being in Buenos Aires has helped bring closure to my fear of growing up, and it has helped me determine what is truly important in life. I could go into detail on this process, but this blog is more of a dedication. 

So this blog is to the ones…

To the ones I took for granted. To the ones who made me who I am. To humble beginnings. 

To my Dad, the most humble, faithful, and wise man I know. I’ve never heard you complain or speak a negative word against anyone. Though your words are sometimes few, they are all meaningful and spoken out of humility. Despite my disrespect and disobedience you have showered me with blessings that I don’t deserve. 

To the best Mom in the world. Although we’ve had our share of clashes, I could always come sit at the foot of the couch and tell you anything. I miss those nights. You’ve always been my “voice of reason” when I get over zealous and forget to think about consequences. I owe so much to you for where I am today. Thanks for always believing in me and encouraging me to be different. If only to be half the mother you were to us, I would be so blessed.

To the big brother, who I always secretly admired to be. A brother who listened to Bob Marley and Frank Sinatra before they were cool. A brother who is fearless and lives life as it comes. After so many near death experiences and hospital stays, it’s safe to say someone is definitely looking out for you. I see God working through your life and constantly answering prayers. I am so thankful to have you, a beautiful sister in law and a wonderful niece. 

To an older sister who has overcome all odds and is a living testimony that miracles do exist. A sister who has had to cope with things that none of us can even comprehend. I’ve learned so much from you, much more than how to say the alphabet backwards :). You are so strong and have never let circumstances get you down. You never cease to amaze me.

To a younger sister, who is incredibly beautiful and talented. Your crazy Michael Jackson and Justin Bieber obsessions are a hoot. I wish I could be home to watch you grow up, especially during this stage of your life.  We haven’t always gotten along, and I haven’t always been the best big sis to you; however, I know that our relationship will continue to strengthen, even though we’re apart. 

To the most amazing grandparents and extended family in the world. I could write pages about every single one of you. I feel beyond blessed to have all of you in my life. I couldn’t have asked for a better family.

To my friends from high school and all along the way. Even though we may have parted ways, I cherish each of our relationships and how they have shaped me. 

To making our own fun and coming up with crazy shenanigans.  To the simple nights spent at the creek, Taco Bell, or Wal-mart. 

To a home and a lifestyle that are rare finds in today’s culture. To the wavin’ wheat outside my window, and the sound of cattle trucks at 6 in the morning.

To always being over committed.

To sitting on the hood of my car and talking to God every night…staring at the most beautiful stars I have ever seen.

To a boy who wrecked my world to the point where only God could put it back together. 

To a nook in Mt. Scott where I prayed for God’s guidance in important decisions.

To God constantly knocking down my own plans so that His plans can take root.

To answered prayer after answered prayer.  

I couldn’t appreciate more the places I’ve come from, and I couldn’t be more stoked for the places I’m headed because of them.